Im at strip club and am horny
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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