lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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