I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
