woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
