Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
