So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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