everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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