My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
