How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
