What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
