I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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