i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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