I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
