i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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