Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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