That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
