Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
