I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
