sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
