theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
