I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
