Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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