Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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