I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
