this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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