dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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