So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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