Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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