So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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