I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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