At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
