Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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