i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
