Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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