I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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