Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We smell like vodka and hangover
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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