I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im part way to drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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