Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
