just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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