Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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