I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
