Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
