She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
