if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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