SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
