that's an acceptable place to lick
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
