i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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