You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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