just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
