My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
