ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
