i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
